Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in sticks_bones' LiveJournal:

Sunday, May 6th, 2007
9:30 pm	Back... Oh God. So, I reached crisis point. Weighing exactly 39 kilos and measuring 5'9 they got me. Possibly the most horrific six months that anyone need experience. The clinic was awful, really negative and I ended up weighing a bit more but with more anorexic tendancies. I then battled to be left alone and do it my way at home (without gaining weight) and it was actually going awesome. I maintained a weight of 95lbs and my behaviour and attitude was getting so much better. Better than it has been in 6 long years. Then they took me to another clinic. St Georges. Without doubt, worst day of my life. They were so horrifically negative about everything I had done, which was huge amounts. No gym, ate a square of CHOCOLATE every day, ate cheese, ate with friends, chose foods, kept my calorie intake over 1600, let someone else prepare my meals, ate at a restaurant, didn't scream at meals....But apparently, none of this matters in the slightest if I don't weigh more. No, if I weigh more and still have a list the legnth of my arm of food I wont eat and do 3 hours cardio a day then I wont be anorexic anymore. But if I don't gain anymore weight but completely change my behaviour, t hen my eating disorder is in full force. What the fuck? They said if I don't gain weight by the summer they will admit me! NO THANKS! Anyway, this day trip caused agony. First day in a long time where I just would not eat. I walked out the house, and my parents both came in the car and got me in, only for me to walk out again, they shouted at each other (they have been together since they were 15 years old, not once have I seen an argument), and I cried. Since starting recovery, my mum and I have been closer than ever. She has been the only person I felt i could lean on, but after that...I just stopped trusting her. It felt like she wasn't on my team anymore. I was quiet for a few days but after that I still messed about with her and joked etc just, didn't talk about serious issues. A couple of nights ago, she bought up the subject and we kind of talked. I cried, she cried, I said I was so angry at her for doing that to me. She said she would not let them admit me again, even if it meant moving out of the country. I just don't know if i fully trust her yet. I got a boyfriend, one who wasn't around for the crisis but is aware through mutual friends. I think he realises that I look different, he can't really not, but Idon't think he is that bothered. I don't know if it's good for me to have a boyfriend I am still working it out. Ever since that day, I think things have been gooing backwards. I'm scared of fat, I'm scared of sugar, I'm scared of liquids, I'm scared of quantites. I've been weighing myself about 8 times a day. I get up in the morning DESPERATE to get on the scales. I am trying to force the motivation backinto me, but they have pushed me down the hillI struggled so hard to get up. I just want to go back to an easier time now, when Ididn't have to eat. I don't feel hunger, I don't feel a desire for teh food, I hate it. I sit and stare at my meals, my half a weetabix and build up shakes. And I hate it. Current Mood: confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
7:41 pm	Todays intake: 15g rice krispies (55), 80ml skimmed milk (27), 100ml vimto (5), tea (2) Total: 90 1 turkey rasher (25), 1 egg white (16), Veg (10), Swede (18), Tea (2), Pepsi Max (2) Total: 73 1/2 caramel light frappucino (90) Total: 90 50g carrot (12.5), 60g chicory (6), 20g green pepper (2.5), 25g aubergine (2.5), 15g courgette (2), 25g mushroom (2.5), 45g cod (45), 5g salsa (2), Jelly (8), 20g yoghurt (9), Tea (3) Total: 95 TOTAL: 345....Damn, I was trying to get a bit higher today. Maybe a drink now? hmm. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
7:28 am	I'm back! Hi everyone! I'm back from my one month away on holiday, and I am 3lbs lighter!!! Am sooo pleased, and all my clothes were soo loose last night when I got home and tried everything on. Seems like more than 3lbs! I have missed the site so much, can't wait to get back into it and to stop eating! My goals are: GW1, September 4th: 107 And then to get to 90lbs by December 16th. Does that sound possible? Hope your all doing great! Xxxxx (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
5:22 pm	RE TOMORROW!! I am beguinning to get nervous about it now. Just went over my section D and I do not know ANY of it! Uh-oh! Food today...done ALRIGHT! Am desperately not wanting to pick pick pick now as dinner making is in 5 minutes and I have done alright today. Had a lie in this morning. It was eucharist so we went in at 9.30, so got to sleep untill 7.45! Yummm! Had a few shreddies, ( 8) then didn't eat anything untill lunch time in the car when I had some salt snack a jacks. Not gonna tell mum that their ony half a point because I think she thinks their higher so is satisfied with me eating them. Managed to get out of seeing Alex which is good. I won't tell her when I Do see her that I haven't been eating. Gymmed, but only ran and did the rower. Weighed in at 58.5 which is okay. Then came home, showered and tried on some trousers. I seem to be about the same size as I was last summer now which is good, but still got a long way to go. Mum went out and I managed to eat just a the crumbs in the tortilla packet. Am alone now and have been for half an hour and haven't munched! Wooo! So, food today: About 8 shreddies, Salted snack a jacks, The crumbs out of the tortilla packet, Skimmed milk for tea (just one cup) About 4 grapes, A raisin. Dinner, not sure what I'm gonna have, either veg curry, roasted veg, egg white with veg, BNS and egg white....then melon and hot choc. Probs roasted veg actually, but I am so not hungry. Just wantto have it now or I know that I will pick! Fingers crossed for tomorrow. Please PLEASE let it be okay. Am gonna stay at school after it because that way I know I wont eat as much. Good plan. Got jacks on saturday where hopefully the food will not be too serious but I must do work there as well. Gonna go start preparing. Luv yazzz! Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
8:20 pm	I have no willpower. WHY WHY WHY did I eat that crap?  I made dinner, and picked at a lil bit of cereal, bit of bread only small bits. Then found out I hadn;'t ACTUALLY turned the oven on when I came to take the BNS out so had to re do it. THEN ate about 5 crisps! THEN had a bit of bread. THEN when mum and bruv were eating ate a thai prawn, a mouth of fritter, 2 prawns and a couple of noodles and a spoon of icecream with honey. I should do so so so much better! So that turns out at about 8? But I must have worked that off at the gym. Musn't I? ERGH! Tomorrow my limit is 4 points. That is a limit, the aim is for 2! Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
5:04 pm	I..hate...school. ERGH! It was soooo rank getting up in the morning. Woke up to a really sweet text from jack though, bless him. Booked my flights to france last night, I hope it's all alright and there is a gym etc. Dya reckon if I didn't go to the gym I would be thinner because of having less muscle? Hmmm.  Told mum last night whilst I was cleaning my teeth that I was gonna take my lunch in with me and eat it at schoo. She is WELL suspish. But I made up about how if other people were feeling like this, it wouldn't matter, but cause it's me people are suspicious and it's annoying coz I'm trying. Hmmm. Today went off to school, and was soooo sleeepy! Double engish was alright, quite funny. Spent break with maddy, ben and jack which was alright. Was sooo hungry and asked mum to bring me some salted snack a jack popcorn, but got over the hunger and she hadn't bought them at lunch. Was in a bad mood and she suggested going to get some but couldn't be bothered. Almost started crying quite a few times, and she was being snappy with me. At the gym was KNACKERED but weighed in at 58.4 which is GOOD because I was worried due to drinking quite alot. Came home and did a bit of work and picked a lil. Told mum I was eating a sandwich to get round the dinner situation and left some crumbs about. On the way back from the gym mentioned that mum always says I can take out when I'm in a bad mood on her cause I can't on anyone else, but if I am so much as in a bad mood AROUND her she gets angry. Grr. Food today: Salted snack a jacks, Apple, Small bit of bread, with a cm of cheese (ha!) Teaspoon ish of lasagne. Milk in tea, Hot choc. Gonna have BNS with veg, ketchup then melon.  Not bad food wise but I don't look ANY thinner! Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Friday, May 19th, 2006
5:53 pm	Egleblehbum! THAT is how I am feeling at the min. Egleblehbum!  Got a bit pissed at jack last night, he was complaining about RE again and he wouldn't give up the stupid defeatist attitude. Sort of showed it, but not SO much! Told mum that I am finding it easier at the minute to eat veg meals and have pickings throughout the day. That makes the lies more fathomable and stops so much suspician. Hid the fish that I didn't eat at dinner under another dish and slipped it in the bin.  Went to school this morning, maddy was in a mood again. SHOCKING! She told me in spanish about ben going 'touch it! touch it!' and jokingly pressuring her to toss him off when she didn't want to. I'm SORRY, but when I MENTIONED that jack sometimes does that to me she went off on one. Double fookin standards! Did quite well foodwise today, by the time I got home after the gym I had only eaten a plum all day. But then ate a handful of country crisp and an apple. Pooo! Had a taste of meat lasagne sauce, and am having BNS and veg for din then melon. Took a bag of cereal, a yoghurt, and ryvita to school so mum thought I was eating but I didn't eat any of it. Have a collection of food on my desk! Weighed at the gym and am 59 kilos today. GRRR!  Me and George bunked english, and he asked how ill I actually am, health wise, he doesn't know about food. So I said, Pretty ill. HONESTLY! But he doesn't know. No one knows. :D. Look kinda chubby when I came out the shower. Must keep going. Have loads to lose. FINGERS CROSSED for not too much picking at the lasagne. Xxx Current Mood: irritated (Comment on this)